Talking to someone else about our ideas, concerns, decisions and plans is often very helpful. But that is, unfortunately, not always the case…
Meet Ben and Amy:
Ben was frustrated and disappointed over never being chosen for the projects and teams he wanted to be on at school. So he decided to talk to the youth leader at the youth club he’d been part of for a couple of years.
The youth leader made time to meet up with him after school one day. He listened carefully to Ben talking about his frustration; re-assured him it was ok to be honest about how he felt; made sure he understood what the issue was and how Ben was feeling about it.
He asked Ben some helpful questions about what - if anything - he had tried to do to get onto the teams; why that might not be working and what else he could do. He encouraged Ben by telling him some good qualities he’d noticed in Ben at youth club, and shared some of his own experience in dealing with disappointments but not giving up. He asked Ben to let him know how things were going at the next youth club and offered to meet up again anytime Ben wanted.
Ben left the conversation feeling like his youth leader really supported him, feeling more confident to keep trying, and much more positive about himself and what to do to help himself at school.
Amy was trying to decide what diploma to study for after school and had no idea what she should do. She decided to talk to her older sister who had already finished studying and been working for 2 years.
Amy asked her sister if she could help her with her diploma decision while they were out walking to their Auntie’s house. Her sister immediately told her it didn’t really matter what she did so long as she made some money at the end.
She told Amy to do the same diploma she’d done, because the teacher let them off lessons early and never set homework. When Amy said she had different ideas and wanted to choose something she’d really like to do and make a good career of, her sister accused her of being a dreamer and said, ‘why bother to have hopes and ideas like that, all jobs are the same.’
Amy left the conversation feeling dejected and discouraged. Her sister’s advice was not at all helpful. She hadn’t listened to Amy or tried to understand her perspective. Amy was left wondering who else she could talk to.
Think of times when you have asked someone for help, and what happened. Hopefully you had a good experience like Ben, but maybe you had a bad experience like Amy.
Did you feel supported? Did it help you develop your idea further? Did you get clearer about the topic you were talking about? Did it help you make your decision or choice more confidently?
Or, did you feel judged, or made to feel stupid? Did you just get a lot of advice that didn’t seem to fit your situation? Were you more confused, or less confident, about what to do at the end?
With your hoozyu you already have a great advantage over Ben and Amy. You have all that great information in your hoozyu to help you in life’s situations, relationships and career choices. However, it’s still really valuable to have someone to talk to at times when you are dealing with a specific challenge or important decision.
It can be a great way to boost your confidence and deal with some of your worries. But making a good rather than bad choice about who to talk with makes a big difference.
Finding the right person to talk to
Here’s a list to help you decide who to ask to talk through your hoozyu with you - you may not find the perfect person but it should help you avoid a bad choice!
Does this person have experience of hoozyu, have they done their own hoozyu and/or had some hoozyu mentoring training? If your chosen person is already a hoozyu mentor then that’s ideal as they should know which hoozyu scores will be most relevant to your conversation.
Does this person have some experience in supporting and developing people and have you heard good reports of them mentoring or supporting others? If they aren’t yet familiar with hoozyu, it’s not a huge issue.
Do you trust this person to listen, understand and have your best interests in view?
Can you think of someone who fits one of those descriptions? If so, what next?
Now it’s time to go and ask that person if you could have a talk with them - that’s a big and important step (especially if you have never done this before)!
It’s best to go with a specific concern or question, like Ben and Amy did. This will help your mentor / advisor be clear on what you want to get out of the time together. If they say yes, then you are on your way!
It’s good to prepare yourself for the talk.
Whether they know hoozyu or not; it will be good to give them the highlights of your hoozyu (and to tell them about what hoozyu is if they have never heard of it!).
An easy way to do this is to complete the Explain Yourself worksheet and take it along with you.
If you’ve chosen a good hoozyu mentor / advisor you won’t have to worry about what you’re going to say - they will encourage you to talk by asking you great questions and listening to your replies.
All the best!